Can i tell you how depressed i am?

I woke up with a sea of trouble in my head.
i tried to pray for it to be away.
But i almost came to a emotion breakdown.
The troubles stayed there.
I brought it along with me everywhere.
When i stood infront of the teachers and classmates.
I poured it all out at them.

When i think about my life.
I totally screwed myself up.
totally, look at the mess i am in.
look at myself.
Just this year, how much trouble, how much things had i gone through, had i caused?

5 months ago, i made a mistake.
I thought to myself, i Must not do it again.
And then now, i just did it again.
Today, i went to the police station
the police officer shaked his head at me.
i know.
i looked like a complete loser dont i?
i feel so ashamed of being myself.


How many times along my life had i screwed up?
Over and Over again.
i never seem to get out of it,
i'm just too irresponsible.
I'm just lousy
argh.
bothering, burdening people.
You guys should really hate me
should really shun me
i totally should not exist.
i cannot account for my life.
i cannot do anything right

Wrong choices
Wrong paths
Wrong decisions

Effects comes long term
all the way.
kill me, whatever

i dont mind if i just die right now
right here
whatever,
i'm really good for nothing.

I made a promise.
I'll stick to it till the end of time.
I'll do whatever it takes to uphold it.
So i hope you do too.
fullstop.


I'm given a chance.
Its seems good.
When i'm done drawing my fullstop,
Maybe i'll start the capital letter for the next sentence.
Maybe..












Each day, i always start off bad.
If it had been a nightmare, i open my eyes to know, its true.
If it had been a good dream, i open my eyes to know, they are gone.
so, i'll spend time, talking to Father.
I cast these thoughts to you, help me take care of them.
take them away, so that they wont burden me for the rest of the day.
And as i get down from bed, i know, that day is My day.
Because, God you are Faithful.

Mr fredrickson, Loved Ellie all his life.
even when she left him, he never stopped loving her.
isnt that touching?
Darn, i watched that movie the second time and cried from start to end.
( not kidding)
I lost a Mr Fredrickson in my life, or maybe there wasn't even one to start with.




Recently my class have been having more "vigorous" debates about religion.
i have been going around trying to stand firm on my belief.
There really is a God, a loving and wonderful God.
God's grace on the Cross saved us, not any of our self righteousness can get us to the Kingdom of Heaven.

We go on and on, on and on debating.
And then.
i realise i lost my peace with God.

I guess people all around have different beliefs, be it true or not.
I dont wanna try to preach anymore.
I dont wanna try so hard to convince people of "my God" anymore.
Its hurting enough to see how much religion separates people.

belief should remain personal, its my business.
If thats the reason behind tearing up of relationships,
If thats the reason behind family breakdowns
If thats the reason behind tears and pains.
Wont God hurt a thousand million more times?
Looking down at Earth, seeing his people shouting and hating each other.
Just because of Religion.
Just because of different beliefs
Its completely DUMB.
really.

So i guess, whatever your belief is.
I know its YOUR business.
I wont try by my own effort, to change you.
Only if God leads me to do so, will i try.
if not, rest assure, its still YOUR business, not mine.







Recently, i've been putting alot of effort into doing somethings.
But, its impossible.
cannot be achieved.
haha..
I dont know how to do it.
cant do it alone.
cant do it when i have other intentions in mind.
I'm a pathetic, good for nothing piece of shit.

I'm sick T_T
I lost my voice T_T
oh no >< OP is on wed >< Do pray i will get it back :(

anw, yesterday was really a Happy day :D
Went for volunteer work alone, cos my sisters cannot make it :(
But, i had a very very nice chat with robin :D
There is this special atmosphere when God's people gather together :D
felt really happy :D
Can feel God's wisdom coming out,
as we spoke to each other of our encounter with God's blessing
Amazing, i am only saved for a year plus,
but the number of blessings in my life have been so overwhelming!
I am so filled with Joy, as i thought about all the miracles God has given to me :D



After the volunteer work, went to Jurong Point to meet brothers and sisters in Christ:D
was really happy to see them, and man it was rare! Linus actually felt hungry-.-
after that, we headed off to SP together for Yanping's concert:D
the concert was really an eyeopener!
WOW! totally awesomeeee
the choreography was very very special and creative :D
I enjoyed the performance! :D

I met alot of rivesidians and ex primary school friends there too:)
though i din stop much to say hi, its Good to see them after so long :D


okayssssss
thats all><
i want my voiceeee baaaacccckk ><

I explain too much.
There is no need, for as much words i use, you never get it.
Look at how much time i spent writing?
You still never got it.
I explain too much really, there is nothing left to explain.
Yet i go on and on.
I am so disgracing myself.
This is difficult to swallow, really.
But face it, stop going anywhere else.
Face it.
It's right infront of your face.


I dont like spending time alone.
Going to get out soon.
Soak myself in warmth around, and not do stupid things anymore.











There is nothing left, stop digging.

I love the weather today.
was enjoying walking home so much, i decided to call dearest Juliana down for a walk with me (:
felt really happy to talk things out with her
my beloved ranting partner (:
alot of things was running through my mind.
alot of things, thats why i wanted to say.
but then, thanks for stopping me, glad it din spill out (:











I spent the day building strength, effortlessly, Only by Your spirit.
















its when you can no longer say the words already.
its then do you realise the meaning of those words.
no regrets please..

I dont know how long can i be okay.
It is sort of on and off -.-
I'm still attacked by emotions like regret sometimes.
But comfort is in the fact that God is there for me,
and you say you're happier this way.
I guess, thats all i need ba.

Tonight i Open up this blog again.
because no point hiding anymore.
for people who genuinely cares about me,siying is going to be fine ! :D
for "concerned" ppl, yeah, we broke up.

As much as it hurts, i know ten twenty years down the road,
i will see this as a blessing.
For God disappoints us sometimes for our Appointments.
He is willing to let us misunderstand Him as long He can love us.








OKAY thats my emo part gone :D
TODAY IS REALLY A BLESSED DAY!
though it started really badly.
stupid stupid wars i have to put up inside.
but i'll stay strong..

anw, today, i finally decided to visit the doc >< i was really worried i might not have enough s eleven, but i just cant stand myself anymore! i want my joy over food back ><
i've not been able to eat,
or vomitting my food out for two weeks alreadyT_T

went to the doc.
he pressed my stomach and i felt it vibrate(growl) really hard T_T
then he prescribed alot of med T_T
the white liquid looks scary T_T
but, for my stomach, I WILL ENDURE! :D


ANW, after the depressing doc visit,
i went to New Creation with beloved yinlin!
:D
we went there for volunteer work!
and man!
i just had to step in that Holy place to feel God's presence.
So much peace and joy washed over me :D
and yes!
being around Family in Christ,
there is so much emotions you cannot explain there.
a boring job like Data collection can be made so wonderful with them around :D
I'M GOING BACK MORE!
YAY!



on a random note!
CHRISMAS IS COMING~
YAY YAY YAY!
there are already so many pretty pretty decorations around :D
the chrismas tree outside suntec is absolutely BEAUTIFUL
HAHAHAHAH
totally totally LOOKING FORWARD MAN




ON THE WHOLE, today is wonderfully blessed for me.
I'm looking forward MORE now.
sometimes i'm tempted to look behind.
but i'll stay here with God, who protects me from heartbreak.